Auntie Mirtha’s Teapot of Secrets [Fantasy Tavern Song]

Details

Description

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Brewed from questionable herbs and deeply questionable ethics, “Auntie Mirtha’s Teapot of Secrets” is a cheerful Celtic folk riot straight from the warm hearth (and mild hexes) of the most dangerous woman in the village—your local potion seller, tea-brewer, and unsolicited therapist.

This magical tavern tune delivers hot gossip, mysterious brews, and accidental romances with a side of laughter and enchantment. Auntie Mirtha knows everything—and now, thanks to her tea, so do you. Good luck sleeping tonight.

Warning: May cause spontaneous truth-spilling, bard-related flashbacks, and mild transformations. Contains trace elements of prophecy and sarcasm.

Lyrics:

[Verse 1]
Come in, cariad, don’t mind the fog—
That’s just my mint—it hexed the dog.
Have a seat near the boiling fern,
It sings in C when it gets a turn.

I sell teas that hum in jars,
And gossip sticks like sheep to stars.
A love draught? Aye—might go wrong.
Last lad wed a goat who writes her own song.

[Chorus ]
Herbs, hexes, and gossip I brew,
My thyme makes you twp, my nettle turns blue.
I’ve got balm for your shame and cwtch for your pride,
And a tisane that tattles what your cousin tried to hide!

[Verse 2]
Bard came in with a hex on his tongue,
Now he sings in reverse and smells of dung.
Bravery tea? A roaring success—
He courted a banshee in her granny’s dress.

Need a sleep? I’ve got lichen from Pen-y-Fan,
Steeped with secrets and gnome sweat in a pan.
Don’t touch that vial, boyo—heed the rune!
It sings at night and smells of loon.

[Chorus]
Herbs, hexes, and scandalous tea!
My brews know your sins before you tell me.
I’ve soothed kings and slapped trolls with steam,
And cursed a bard to dream of cheese and cream.

[Bridge – spoken, smug and suspiciously proud]
“I once sold a potion so strong it solved a feud…
...and started three marriages in Llanfyllin.”

[Verse 3]
I’ve stirred stew with a phoenix toe,
And bottled wind from old Snowdon’s snow.
The guards come crying when their elbows speak—
And I make tea that lasts all week.

Yes, I’m old—but sharp as slate.
Ask me who hexed the bishop’s gate.
My brews don’t lie, my plants all snitch,
And I keep my dirt in a whispering ditch.

[Final Chorus]
Herbs, hexes, and gossip so deep,
I’ll brew your secrets while you sleep.
So sip your fate and bless your head,
For Auntie Mirtha knows what the dragon said!

[Outro]
"...and I’ve got a blend for dragons, dearie.
Two silver. Comes with a biscuit and a prophecy."